Memories and Happy 50th anniversary

While Jared and Lindsey stayed with us we looked at photos of my mom. One of their daughters resembles her so much it is unexpected. It was fun to look at the pictures of my mom and dad and reminiscence. Jared was 6 when my mom died so his memories of her are vague.  It is both happy and sad to talk about our parents.  It is emotional, but I always feel the spirit strong when we do.  Lindsey and I went through a few pictures and below are some of our favorites. 

On another note,  I am actually trying to figure out what to do with all of the missionaries letters my mom and dad wrote during  his mission.  The handwriting is very difficult to read and I feel like it is personal.  Any ideas what I should do?

 

My mom somewhere between 15-18 

 

My niece who looks like my mom.  I know they don't care for their children's pictures on the internet, but since my blog is only read by family and a few friends I thought it would be okay!  

 My mom on the 2nd row to the bottom, 2nd one on the the right with her head tilted

(My mom on the bottom left corner)

In all of these pictures we could really see a resemblance to my mom.  It is amazing how genetics works. 

Last month my parents would have celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.  I thought of them most of the day on 6-21 and I  felt grateful for their influence in my life. I don't know how it works in heaven, but I hope they knew how grateful we are that they got together!  

Death and It's Lessons

 Death is not a word I like to use often. It's physically hard for me to say because it triggers such emotions. For years before I was affected, I could speak it with ease. But now? It bothers me. I guess that comes from having a life and soul that death has touched in ways I don't like. Even typing the word floods my mind with tears and what ifs,  and of course, happy  memories and it  brings a longing to see my mom and dad,  grandparents,  etc, so fierce, it consumes me. All of me.

I have a lot of opinions about death. Everyone does. In the beginning mine weren't nice, fluffy, hopeful opinions. They were  edgy and harsh. They have softened over time, change into something more positive, but they sometimes tend to vacillate. Hopefully, they will go back to being more positive, but then again, maybe they won't.

Losing both my parents at a young age and having only brothers around my age has been challenging.  My brothers  tended to mask their pain and not want to talk about it like a girl would like.  It has been such a lonely feeling.

I have always  thought I had to remain strong and  never appear weak.  I was good at putting my guard up, as a protection and rarely, would take it down.  But sometimes, life gets too hard and your guard/resilience  isn't strong enough to hold you up and you are forced  to be exposed in your weakened state. The ripple effect of death is long and broad and changing and has exposed me recently in a weak, painful state.

  I have had several friends recently deal with a loss of someone close to them, and it brings my strong feelings about death to the surface again.  And because of this  death seems to have brought this topic front and center in my mind again. I'm still in a debate with myself over that being a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe it's a little of both.

In the quiet parts of my heart, I find myself taking inventory of all the beautiful things those that have passed have taught me. So many lessons, it's hard to catalog them all. The greatest gift  though, is the  knowledge that we have a Heavenly Father who sees us with 20/20 vision. Every minute, every day, with detailed precision. He watches over, guides and loves endlessly. The joy that brings really can't be described.

My parents offered me life and this gave me an outside view of the courage it takes to change your life. Quite exquisite gifts. I have a profound gratitude that I was given a chance to be a daughter to my parents. Because they  had a large effect on mine. Life is beautiful when it works that way.

What has been happening according to my camera

 A lot has been going on.  Way too much for my brain to handle. 

 We took a tour of temple square.  Spencer said he had never actually been on one.  It was really neat and the spirit was so strong.

 Unfortunately Colton had to work.

 We went to lunch at the Lion House Pantry.  I have only been here a few times, but every time I go I love it.

 Spencer's birthday!  For dinner he wanted barbecued ribs.  They need to simmer overnight or longer and then they cook for 10 hours.  Spencer makes it a little bit better than me, but they still tasted yummy.

 It was fun to celebrate with everyone together for his birthday.  Coby came home just to be able  to make it to Spencer's birthday!  When he came home he and Spencer went to the temple.

 Coby left for Istanbul, Turkey on May 9th.  His trip was up in the air for almost a week.   To make a long story short, his place of employment got postponed until later, but he still had his plane ticket.  He couldn't decide what to do.  He had several friends who were supposed to go with him, but they all decided to wait to go to Turkey.  So Coby with such a spirit of adventure, decided to go to Turkey alone.  Honestly, it has scared me  silly.  I have been so worried.  He is on my mind at all times.   He thought one of the guys would end up coming and meeting him there, but he missed his plane.  So now Coby is in a hostel by himself,  certifying to teach English as it is a job in high demand in Turkey.  I feel blessed that he  has been in contact with the branch president there and he is helping him, but I also believe in the buddy system.  As much as Coby won't like this, please feel free to include him in your prayers or put his name on the temple roll.  I would greatly appreciate it.

The day before Mother's day when I came home from an all day YW's activity,  these beautiful flowers were waiting for me from Coby with a very sweet note.  I thought it was so thoughtful of him to think of me for Mother's day! My kids all made me a delicious dinner and showered me with fun gifts.  I truly feel blessed to be the mom to all 4 of my children.

I hope soon I have my act together, because it has not been together for many months now.  I cry all the time and get overwhelmed way too easily.  I had to leave in the middle of sacrament  to come home because I was bawling so bad. I have never done that before at church--EVER.  I tried to be pretty discreet, but apparently I wasn't.

I never like to be the one who is having the hard time. I like to help the person who is having the hard time, so this is very unusual for me.  But, I am not going to deny it, because I try to be real and open.  But I certainly hope that I can stop crying  so much and not feel so overwhelmed.  I think I honestly, went 15 years without really crying in public, so maybe it is good, if I am getting in touch with my feelings.  I do feel more isolated since I started working.  My job requires intense problem solving and troubleshooting, that I feel so drained when I come home that I just want to be a hermit.  Of course, that never happens because I have so much to do to catch up, so I feel so tired constantly.  I get up each morning at 5am, so I am not getting enough sleep either.   I keep thinking after I finish this project, it will be better, but that doesn't happen.  There is always something else and most likely always will be.  Someday, soon I will get my act together!!!   I am just grateful for a patient husband and children.  They have all been so willing to pitch in and help!!! 

Do you ever stop missing them....

Happy 73rd Birthday to my Dad yesterday.  This day always seems to sneak up on me. As always it makes me think of my dad and how much I miss him.  Does it ever stop?   My brother Matthew's family is in Seattle this week for their Spring Break.  Below is a picture of them bringing flowers to the grave and doing their best to remember him.  Or maybe know him, since none of them have every met him. 

As I have said before, my dad would want me to smile today. To chase away the Sad. To look at his grandkids and let them know they are cherished.  And to know, with unwavering faith, that he is here, no matter the distance.

Today 28 years ago is the day my life forever changed. This is the day that my most favorite person in my world, at that time, died. My life has never been the same again since she passed on.  I miss her so much.  I use to think that in time, this feeling would go away, but it hasn't and probably never will. I miss my mom anytime someone talks about what their mom does for them. I miss her when I wake up and when I go to bed. I miss her as I look at my children and imagine the spectacular Grandma they don't realize they would have had and how involved she would have been in their life.  I miss her at any of the  milestones that happen and I miss her advice and just her silliness.  Kara is the age now, that I was when my mom died. It is hard to believe, because she feels so young, but I was that young!

As I said at another anniversary, On this day mom, I want you to know of my love for you--my gratitude for being your daughter. We all now work to live the kind of lives that will take us to where you are. You set the standard and we are trying to reach it. after you left, I prayed and asked you to wait for me there. Someday I will feel your hugs again and hear your voice. Until then, I will wait. I will think of you and teach my  children all that you taught me. I will wait.....
I love you mom

2 years and 115 days

 
  I climbed in the car last week and realized my daughter will graduate soon.  Actually, in  2 years and 115 days.  She is excited for all the possibilities it brings and I smile right along with her as she shares her dreams. But my heart, oh my heart, is just a little undone.





In my mother's mind, I don't know where to store this reality. The one where she graduates in 2 years and 115 days. Where do I keep this knowledge?

I love numbers.   And as I was thinking about how many days I have been a mother, I realized it was  9,125 days.  So, so, so long, but also so short in the eternal scheme of things. And to think that my last child will be 18 in 754 (Happy almost sweet 16) makes me realize that I need to make sure I use that time well.  Very well, enjoying and soaking in the goodness of being a mom.

Time ticks away so quickly sometimes. Often it's speed has passed me by without my knowing. It's just the way of things, I guess. But here, today, I am determined to Hold. To Look. And See. And fill my heart with all of it. All 2 years and 115 days worth.

Gratitude for my Mom and Dad!!!

Gratitude Day 9

I love my mom and dad  so much.  And I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have that I will be able to be reunited with them both someday.  This makes my heart happy.  

The longer I am a parent, the more gratitude I have for mine.

My  mom loved  people.  One of her greatest talents was her ability to love others and treat them with kindness.   I am grateful for the 16 years I was able to be mothered by her. 

When I was a young girl I use to always be wherever she was.  If she was making dinner, I was making dinner.  If she was folding laundry I was folding laundry on her lap.  And the thing I remember, is that she would let me help her.  I know I must have slowed her down,  I realize now her focus wasn't on folding the laundry or making the dinner, but her ultimate focus was on mothering her children. 

My mom was a very forgiving person.  I can never remember her getting upset at me for long.  If I did something that upset her, she would always look at me or another sibling, and say, "Oh how could you?"  I hated disappointing my mom.   She also would always come and ask for our forgiveness if she thought she didn't handle a situation correctly.  Because of the way I was mothered, I try extra hard to never (or rarely yell),  to be a little more patient, and to love how I would want to be loved.  And I try to tell my family each and every day that I love them.

 I love you mom and I try to live the kind of life that will take me where you are.

 

I am grateful for my Dad....

  He had a sense of humor that was so silly.    He was a hard worker.  I admire his decision to go back to law school with a young family.   That must have been hard for both my mom and dad. 

 

My dad taught me to love learning.   He always carried several books and he never had a problem  paying for any book I wanted. 

My dad loved to cook.  I must admit he was a much better cook than my mom.  My dad was very knowledgeable.  He was a deep thinker and he loved to discuss any current event that was happening.  I have great memories of learning the gospel,  math, and pretty much every other subject from him.

One of the most important lessons my dad taught me was by his example of how he loved my mom.   He always made sure we treated her with deep respect.  
  

My dad taught me through  some experiences with him how to forgive when you have been hurt.  I learned through my experience with him,  that it is okay to be angry, but that it is better, at least for our  heart, to forgive quickly and completely.  
I am grateful for the 21 years I was able to have you on this earth.  I love you and I will see you again someday!!!

Visiting my parents grave and Oregon

 It was sad to say good bye to everyone in Washington.  I for one, just hate saying good bye.   After saying good bye to Matt's parents we went to visit  my parents grave.  Sometimes I wonder why I do this as it always makes me cry and miss my parents all the more.  Whenever I go to Seattle I miss my parents more since Seattle is where I have all of my memories with them. So I am already on the verge of tears the whole trip, go figure.   I took a picture of the grave because when people ask me when my dad died I can't always remember the year and now I can remember. 

 Matt always start cleaning around their grave.  It is good because I am usually bawling.  I have never been one of those people who can smile when there are in front of graves for a picture..  I just don't feel like there is something to smile about---I know kind of dramatic, but it is how I feel. 

The cemetery they were buried at is so beautiful and they keep the gardens so clean and manicured.  I am so grateful for this.   After leaving the cemetery we drove straight to Portland. It is such a beautiful drive.  When we arrived in Portland we went straight to get Voo Doo doughnuts. I had heard so much about their doughnuts so, I had to give them a try.   They were good, but the reason they are so famous is because of the names of the doughnuts and the way they are decorated.   Apparently, people go to Voo Doo to get married.  And believe it or not, but there was a wedding while we were there.  

 

We arrived at my Aunt Jean's home.  I truly admire and adore my aunt.  For the last decade or more she has been taking care of my Grandma by herself.  She has sacrificed so much of her time and energy to take care of her.  My aunt is 76 and I really feel like she needs more help.  She has never asked for much help or complained, but I feel very neglectful in helping with my grandma.  My aunt cooked us a lovely meal and I felt so bad that she had spent so much time when she should have been relaxing.  I felt bad to add to her stress. 

 

 My friend Ann recently put this on her blog. Like my aunt she has been taking care of her Grandma.  After reading this I feel like this really describes my Aunt perfectly.

 I truly believe that one of the greatest errands for earthly Angels is the care and love of the elderly.  Babies are so easy to love, hold and adore.. but many people scoff at helping older people -- changing them... patiently feeding them, etc.   I know that the Lord sends some of his greatest blessings to those who care for the Elderly so lovingly and caringly."

After spending the day with my Grandma and Aunt we went to the outlet malls to take Kara shopping.  We got there pretty late, and they were about to close, but she got some wonderful deals.  Then we drove to my Aunt Traci's home.  She is my dad's youngest sister.   Traci is super good at taking pictures.  I always forget to get  my picture taken, but she seems to always remember to capture the moment.  Thanks Traci!!!

Traci made us some very yummy food!  They have a treager they cooked biscuits on they were to die for.  Traci also made some of the best eggs I have had, in a long time.  She spoiled us rotten.  She has some of the best sheets I have ever slept on---seriously.  They are doing a roadshow in Utah at Costco. I am totally going to buy them.  They are called Jennifer Adams sheets and I am in love!  My Aunt Jean told my Aunt Traci about them and I am in love!

 After leaving the Portland area, we headed to Boise.  We called up Matt's grandpa to find a time we could meet up with him.  So we met up at the movies.  We went to see Marigold Hotel with Grandpa P.  Aunt Julie and Uncle John the minute we arrived.  It was a very delightful movie.  Afterwards, we all went out to dinner.  I love visiting with John and Julie.  They are such vibrant people.  They aren't afraid to ask questions and to answer question in return.  Thank you John and Julie for letting us crash your activity. Thank you for looking out for Grandpa P and taking such good care of him.  They truly are the sandwiched people, not only are they helping with their father, but their children and Julie watches her grandson every day!!!  WOW--I hope I can have that kind of energy.   Grandpa P. is one amazing man.  He is strong and vibrant and going strong in his 90's.  We sure love him!!!

We stayed at my brother John's home that evening in Boise.  I love visiting with their family. It is so cool that my best friend  married my older brother.  I feel blessed we are in the same family.  Thank you for letting us stay at your home. 

As we were coming home Kara said she felt like she was a little homeless. She said she had been in more homes as a visitor and had slept on so many different beds that she was so glad to be coming home.  I am grateful for the amazing family we have and the great example they are to us.   I am grateful to Matt's parents for raising such a wonderful man.  They are just some of the salt of the earth people.  I am so grateful to have such wonderful family members who are willing to open up their home and to feed us and to act like they enjoy it!!!  I am especially grateful for a beautiful home to come home to, and that my boys took care of it while we were gone.

Kara and I are leaving for Education week for the rest of the week tomorrow. I am so excited to learn and be edified.  It truly is a wonderful life!!! 

Mom and birthday's

I turned the age my mother never got to become.  For some reason as my birthday has approached I have felt a heavy heart.  It is amazing how grief can be.  The whole time I was 43 it felt like I was kind of holding my breath, wondering if I would die young like my mom. Intellectually, I knew I wouldn't die, but emotionally I felt like I could.  It  just seems unfair to outlive your mom.  It just doesn't feel right. 

Matt wanted to watch the movie Charly this last week.  It really made me tear up and think about my mom.  Generally, I am not an emotional person, but  that movie made me sob.   I know that life isn't fair, but when it comes to my mom and dad dying so young, I wish it was.  I am grateful my 43rd year is over. I already feel the relief.  I want to live the best life possible, to show how grateful I am for the time I have been given. I hope my mom  knows how grateful I am for her.   I am grateful for my life.  I know it can quickly be taken away.

 On this day mom, I want you to know of my love for you--my gratitude for being your daughter. We all now work to live the kind of lives that will take us to where you are. You set the standard and we are trying to reach it. after you left, I prayed and asked you to wait for me there. Someday I will feel your hugs again and hear your voice. Until then, I will wait. I will think of you and teach my  children all that you taught me. I will wait.....
I love you mom

Happy Mother's Day to all my fabulous family and friends.  I  hope you all have an amazing day. There isn't anything I have ever done, or will ever do, that will compare to the joy I receive from being a mother! I thank my Heavenly Father every day for blessing me with this sacred responsibility. I am the person I am today because of my beautiful children. Wherever they end up in this world, they will always hold a special part of my heart no matter what!!!

Thank you to all of the Mother's who have mothered me!  I am grateful for you and your influence. 

"Recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction.
Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: 'The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.'
--M. Russell Ballard

 Elder Neal A. Maxwell so eloquently said: “When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this” (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, The Women of God, Ensign (CR), May 1978, p.10).

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is your 70th birthday.

I've thought of you today.  It's been painful because I miss you. It is hard sometime to accept that you are not here. I exist on the belief that you have to be here somewhere. You just have to, because my own existence is defined by it. I close my eyes and I can see you. I hear your voice on the other end of the phone. I cry and then quietly beg and plead for you to come back. Please just come home and walk through the door. Please just call and reassure us that everything will eventually work out.

Everywhere I go, I am reminded of you. I can't escape it. I never expected that my memories would haunt me with the reality of what I have lost for the future. It's as if the deepest part of my soul has gone missing and can't be replaced. Why has that happened? How can it be fixed? I'm sure there is no answer to satisfy my questions. And even if there were, the pain would still remain. It's present more than I would like. The prickly edges of the pain have slightly worn down, but its core is fixated inside me. I don't know if it will ever leave.

On this day I want you to know of my love for you--my gratitude for being your daughter. We all now work to live the kind of lives that will take us to where you are. You set the standard and we are trying to reach it. after you left, I prayed and asked you to wait for me there. Someday I will feel your hugs again and hear your voice. Until then, I will wait. I will think of you and teach my  children all that you taught me. I will wait.....
I love you mom

October 19th, the day I outlived my mom

 October 19, 2011,  was the day I lived as long as my mom did when she died. It doesn't seem right or fair that I get to outlive my mom.  My mom was such an amazing person to me and to others that I felt guilty to be able to enjoy morality longer than she.  Being the same age as  my mom was when she died really made her death feel more real.  She was really young, because I certainly feel young and I don't feel like it is time for me to die.  It  must have been so hard to say good bye to her children, her husband, her friends and the life she so enjoyed!

 She also had such a young family at the time of her death.  She was so needed.  So. needed. Her youngest child was only 6 and she still had four children at home and one on a mission.  I feel so needed in my family and yet three of my four children are all adults now. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to have left an even younger family. I can't even imagine not being able to see  my children grow and become a grandma.

So as today happened I was standing in the kitchen working on food for  my family when something I was doing reminded me of my mom.  That's how it always begins, the moment where something in this life triggers something from long ago reminding me of my mom.  A memory ignites and floods my  mind.  Every time, it carries my breath away.  Every time.  I have to force myself to look away and swallow the sorrow.  Today was  no exception.

But today I have decided to be good and focus on the gifts my mom gave me instead of her absence.  I decided to go to temple square and serve with the youth of our ward planting the beautiful gardens there.  And while I worked with the teenagers, at least from my viewpoint, I can see that she is just like those teenagers.  She is serving.  Just not where I can see her.  And because she's there, it makes it the place I long to be.  The place where I will offer my everything to get to.  And that is very, very Good.  I hope you can see the good you have been given too.  Savor it this day!!!! 

Mother's Day and thinking about my mom!!!!

Mother's day always seems to sneak up each May.  As always it makes me think of the great mothers I know who have had an influence in  my life.  I feel so blessed to know so many amazing mothers who have been an example to me.   Mother's day also makes me think of my own dear mother.  It has been  over 26 years since my mom passing.  I had hoped as I aged that I wouldn't miss her as much as I do.  I think that whenever you lose your mother it is hard.  It isn't easy losing your biggest cheerleader every.  I still desire to be mothered in spite of my age.  Sometimes I would give anything to just be able to be with her again, right now. I  know she still loves me, but it isn't the same as it would be if she was alive.  I feel a tremendous loss for not being able to be with my mom like I would LOVE!!!

I think when you lose your mom at such a young age that you don't really realize what you are losing.  I hate to admit it, but when she died I was still in the stage where you mom is great, but you don't really want to hang out with her as much as you want to hang out with your friends.  I know this is quite normal, but it is still hard sometimes to except how I acted when she died.  Now I miss her so  much.  I think it is the hardest for me when I think what could have been if she had lived.  I know that is no way to think, for my emotional health, but still sometimes I do this.   Sometimes it is especially hard when you know so  many people who have their moms so involved in their life.  I  know my mom would have been a tremendous grandma and so it makes me so sad for what my children are missing out on because of her death.   I am not trying to sound like I judge others because of their relationship with their mom, because I think it is so sweet, but sometimes it hurts.

My mom when she was an older teenager.  She was beautiful inside and out and I am so grateful to know that someday I will be able to be with her again.  I don't want to die, but I do look forward to that day.

24 years ago!

Today marks 24 years since my mom died. It is amazing to me that you can still miss someone so much that died that long ago. So many happy memories. And even though I know that I shouldn't do the what if game, I still sometimes imagine what it would be like to still have her alive and how my life would be different than it is now.

My mom has been the most powerful person in my life and taught me so much. She was such an example to me of being kind, caring, a missionary, always doing good, and brightening others days! She did the simple things each and every day that added up to great things over time. I loved her positive energy and cheerfulness that was so contagious. I feel it was such a blessing to have her the 16 years that I did in my life.

But one thing I do know for sure now is that she still influences my life and impacts it, in ways I feel have truly blessed me. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who still allows my mom to bless me, even from the other side of the veil. I love you Mom!

Sledding, Christmas program and other happenings!

Today Kara went sledding with her two friends Natalie, and Riley. They have a tradition of going sledding right before Christmas at Eastmont. Matt took them this year since I was wrapping presents most of the day!
Here is a picture of Kara's school Christmas choir. They sang on Wednesday December 17th at Eastmont Middle School. This is Kara's last year of being in the choir since she will be in middle school next year. This is her 6th year of being in the choir. Kara also got some very good news this week about her 6th grade play. They are doing the play Much Ado about Nothing by Shakespeare. She got the part she tried out for, Beatrice so she is pumped! Although she does have to fall in love with Benedick and learn around sixty lines so she has her work cut out. Kara also graduated from NOVA a new program that is taught to replace DARE (the drug free program). Thankfully, Spencer drove my carpool route with Lindsay so I was able to go to the N.O.V.A. program.

Colton had a lot of parties at his school this week. One day I made him Texas Sheet Cake for his whole class (you don't have to buy store brand stuff) and the next day I made him Cinnamon Rolls for another class. He has had a lot of fun at his parties though and found out there is a lot of talented people at his school when they did a Christmas talent show program.

This week we did a lot of Christmas shopping, baking, finishing Christmas cards, visiting teaching, home teaching and other Christmas activities. And in the midst of this we had a TON of snow. Matt had put new tires on my Pilot and they were terrible in the snow. I was sliding into everything and because there was so much snow the roads weren't plowed. Luckily Spencer and Matt put my old un-fancy tires back on my car which I am so grateful for because they drive so well in the snow!

Tomorrow would have been my mom's 67th birthday. I miss her so much and I always feel sort of melancholy on her birthday when I think about what might have been. Every year I convince myself that I won't feel this way, but it is really pretty fruitless since it seems to be what happens on her birthday! I am just so grateful for the HUGE influence she has had on me because of who she was!

We also want to wish Matt's parents a very Happy Anniversary today. We are so glad they got together and hope they have a wonderful day.