But for some reason the stars all aligned last weekend to make for a really good freak-out session. I have so many great intentions, and generally I am able to accomplish them, but not recently. Lately, I seem to fail miserably. I feel like my heart is right, and I think I am a good at prioritizing, but that I am literally kicking and screaming about the new limits I have to place on myself. So each day I wake up determined to do better and do more, but day after day I seem to not be measuring up. I often wondering how Heavenly Father feels about this. If he is pleased with what I do or realizes I am failing to help those that need it? I don't want to disappoint him so I try even harder. But I realize my efforts of trying harder are only making the problem even worse.
So one day a week and a half ago I woke up at my normal time, 5am to go and exercise, then I get dressed, try to have breakfast and scripture reading, then race to start some laundry and clean up something. All to leave for work at 7am. I am thinking if only I could be faster, if only I didn't have to stop for so many red lights. Then I get to work and there is so much that needs to be done, but I don't have the skills to be able to completely do it all alone. I try and do my best, but it seems like I make one mistake after another. Apparently it is to be expected, but I don't want to do what is expected. I want to do better. I also don't want some one younger to tell me yet again, what I did wrong. I want to get it just right.
While at work I don't feel successful, everyone there says I am way to hard on myself, and I know they are right, but being hard on myself has always worked in the past. But, It. Isn't. Now. I get distracted while I am there and wonder if Kara is home from school yet and wonder how her day was. So I text her, and I am grateful to hear she is doing well, but I still worry. I think about how I need to go to the grocery store to get food for our pantry. I worry that I am not spending quality time with my children. I think about the laundry I haven't done or if my home is messy. I think about how poorly I did on visiting teaching last month. I think of some of my young women I work with and how I need to plan a great activity. I think of my sons and hope they are doing well and think about their individual issues. I worry that I am not being a good enough wife. I worry about family members health and feel bad that there isn't much I am doing to help them. I worry about the family reunion I am in charge of in two months, and I haven't done much to prepare for it. And this list is only a small portion of some of the things I am worrying about.
I start thinking way too much and after doing this for close to a month, I finally had a very impressive "freak out." I freaked out wondering how I could do it all. I freaked out about how there is just too much to do. I freaked out about how dumb I feel at work and how it seems I am not doing anything well at all. All in all I just felt like I am not measuring up. I wish I could say that sometime after my freak out tirade, that I came to my senses, but I didn't. It wasn't until the next day when I (with help from Matt) realized that what really matters is whether or not I show love and compassion to others and that I savor and find joy in the journey. I also realize I need to accept my circumstance as they are right now and be kinder to myself.
After thinking differently about my situation I felt myself calm down. I felt myself accepting what is. I know I will still struggle with everything I want to do, but I realize I eventually will understand my job fully, and I won't have to get help from co-workers. I will feel a balance and be able to accomplish all that is important and good. I will find time for the essential things. My "freak-out" helped me ponder things a little differently and helped change my perspective and to focus on feeling more peace and loving more---towards my family, myself and everyone!!! I don't recommend a "freak out" but I it did help me put things in perspective.
Good things that are happening (I need to remind myself of this):
* Coby is graduating from BYU in less than two weeks--So proud of him!
* Spencer had a fun weekend in Moab.
* Colton has an appointment tomorrow with his guidance counselor to help him figure out the best career for him. He will do a series of tests and then eventually a tutor will be provided to help him do well in school.
* And as my friend Linda told me yesterday, Let adult children make mistakes and do their best. They are adults and they can take care of themselves.
* Kara is singing at BYU in a German Voice Competitition. She also got asked to sing a solo of the National Athem in front of her school for an upcoming assemble.
* We found a day that will work with everyone for a family picture!!!
* And Matt got a raise!!!!!
2 comments:
That's great advice, it's hard to let even little kids make mistakes let alone adult kids. I think everyone is entitled to a learning or freak out moment, I'm also super glad to know I'm not the only one who does it. You are amazing, keep believing in yourself.
I admire you so much! Transition and adjustment is always hard - but especially when it isn't the circumstances we would have chosen for ourselves. I am sure you are amazing at work (even if you don't feel like you are) but I realize that being an awesome employee is a small consolation prize when you really want to be home. I really look up to your example and hope things smooth out for you sooner than later.
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