Death and It's Lessons

 Death is not a word I like to use often. It's physically hard for me to say because it triggers such emotions. For years before I was affected, I could speak it with ease. But now? It bothers me. I guess that comes from having a life and soul that death has touched in ways I don't like. Even typing the word floods my mind with tears and what ifs,  and of course, happy  memories and it  brings a longing to see my mom and dad,  grandparents,  etc, so fierce, it consumes me. All of me.

I have a lot of opinions about death. Everyone does. In the beginning mine weren't nice, fluffy, hopeful opinions. They were  edgy and harsh. They have softened over time, change into something more positive, but they sometimes tend to vacillate. Hopefully, they will go back to being more positive, but then again, maybe they won't.

Losing both my parents at a young age and having only brothers around my age has been challenging.  My brothers  tended to mask their pain and not want to talk about it like a girl would like.  It has been such a lonely feeling.

I have always  thought I had to remain strong and  never appear weak.  I was good at putting my guard up, as a protection and rarely, would take it down.  But sometimes, life gets too hard and your guard/resilience  isn't strong enough to hold you up and you are forced  to be exposed in your weakened state. The ripple effect of death is long and broad and changing and has exposed me recently in a weak, painful state.

  I have had several friends recently deal with a loss of someone close to them, and it brings my strong feelings about death to the surface again.  And because of this  death seems to have brought this topic front and center in my mind again. I'm still in a debate with myself over that being a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe it's a little of both.

In the quiet parts of my heart, I find myself taking inventory of all the beautiful things those that have passed have taught me. So many lessons, it's hard to catalog them all. The greatest gift  though, is the  knowledge that we have a Heavenly Father who sees us with 20/20 vision. Every minute, every day, with detailed precision. He watches over, guides and loves endlessly. The joy that brings really can't be described.

My parents offered me life and this gave me an outside view of the courage it takes to change your life. Quite exquisite gifts. I have a profound gratitude that I was given a chance to be a daughter to my parents. Because they  had a large effect on mine. Life is beautiful when it works that way.

Do you ever stop missing them....

Happy 73rd Birthday to my Dad yesterday.  This day always seems to sneak up on me. As always it makes me think of my dad and how much I miss him.  Does it ever stop?   My brother Matthew's family is in Seattle this week for their Spring Break.  Below is a picture of them bringing flowers to the grave and doing their best to remember him.  Or maybe know him, since none of them have every met him. 

As I have said before, my dad would want me to smile today. To chase away the Sad. To look at his grandkids and let them know they are cherished.  And to know, with unwavering faith, that he is here, no matter the distance.

Today 28 years ago is the day my life forever changed. This is the day that my most favorite person in my world, at that time, died. My life has never been the same again since she passed on.  I miss her so much.  I use to think that in time, this feeling would go away, but it hasn't and probably never will. I miss my mom anytime someone talks about what their mom does for them. I miss her when I wake up and when I go to bed. I miss her as I look at my children and imagine the spectacular Grandma they don't realize they would have had and how involved she would have been in their life.  I miss her at any of the  milestones that happen and I miss her advice and just her silliness.  Kara is the age now, that I was when my mom died. It is hard to believe, because she feels so young, but I was that young!

As I said at another anniversary, On this day mom, I want you to know of my love for you--my gratitude for being your daughter. We all now work to live the kind of lives that will take us to where you are. You set the standard and we are trying to reach it. after you left, I prayed and asked you to wait for me there. Someday I will feel your hugs again and hear your voice. Until then, I will wait. I will think of you and teach my  children all that you taught me. I will wait.....
I love you mom

Gratitude for my Mom and Dad!!!

Gratitude Day 9

I love my mom and dad  so much.  And I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have that I will be able to be reunited with them both someday.  This makes my heart happy.  

The longer I am a parent, the more gratitude I have for mine.

My  mom loved  people.  One of her greatest talents was her ability to love others and treat them with kindness.   I am grateful for the 16 years I was able to be mothered by her. 

When I was a young girl I use to always be wherever she was.  If she was making dinner, I was making dinner.  If she was folding laundry I was folding laundry on her lap.  And the thing I remember, is that she would let me help her.  I know I must have slowed her down,  I realize now her focus wasn't on folding the laundry or making the dinner, but her ultimate focus was on mothering her children. 

My mom was a very forgiving person.  I can never remember her getting upset at me for long.  If I did something that upset her, she would always look at me or another sibling, and say, "Oh how could you?"  I hated disappointing my mom.   She also would always come and ask for our forgiveness if she thought she didn't handle a situation correctly.  Because of the way I was mothered, I try extra hard to never (or rarely yell),  to be a little more patient, and to love how I would want to be loved.  And I try to tell my family each and every day that I love them.

 I love you mom and I try to live the kind of life that will take me where you are.

 

I am grateful for my Dad....

  He had a sense of humor that was so silly.    He was a hard worker.  I admire his decision to go back to law school with a young family.   That must have been hard for both my mom and dad. 

 

My dad taught me to love learning.   He always carried several books and he never had a problem  paying for any book I wanted. 

My dad loved to cook.  I must admit he was a much better cook than my mom.  My dad was very knowledgeable.  He was a deep thinker and he loved to discuss any current event that was happening.  I have great memories of learning the gospel,  math, and pretty much every other subject from him.

One of the most important lessons my dad taught me was by his example of how he loved my mom.   He always made sure we treated her with deep respect.  
  

My dad taught me through  some experiences with him how to forgive when you have been hurt.  I learned through my experience with him,  that it is okay to be angry, but that it is better, at least for our  heart, to forgive quickly and completely.  
I am grateful for the 21 years I was able to have you on this earth.  I love you and I will see you again someday!!!

For you Dad......

21 years. In life, that's a long time.  But, what is it when you have missed someone that long? Lived without them present in your every day? Grief and Sadness are strange things. Time seems to be the only balm to coat it's edges. When you so desperately miss someone, Time feels slow and cruel. There is no walking around it, only through it.

I've come to understand a lot in the last 21 years. Well, as far as Grief goes. In the beginning, it's all consuming. Time seems to slowly gather it in and tuck it away, only to be unleashed in unannounced visits. The heart ache never disappears. I really don't think it's supposed to. Love doesn't  work that way.

For some reason this day is harder for me than his birthday and Father's Day.  This ordinary October  day. The one 21 years ago that slowed my world and forced it onto a different path. One not of my choosing.

 But in the Sad, even within it's darkest depths, there has always been a light. At times, it's been hard to see it. At others, it's so blinding it makes me smile. When you hold Love and Grief together, I guess that's what happens.

My dad would want me to smile today. To chase away the Sad. To look at his grandkids and let them know they are cherished.  And to know, with unwavering faith, that he is here, no matter the distance.

So, for today. I will smile.

And I will remember.

For you.

Visiting my parents grave and Oregon

 It was sad to say good bye to everyone in Washington.  I for one, just hate saying good bye.   After saying good bye to Matt's parents we went to visit  my parents grave.  Sometimes I wonder why I do this as it always makes me cry and miss my parents all the more.  Whenever I go to Seattle I miss my parents more since Seattle is where I have all of my memories with them. So I am already on the verge of tears the whole trip, go figure.   I took a picture of the grave because when people ask me when my dad died I can't always remember the year and now I can remember. 

 Matt always start cleaning around their grave.  It is good because I am usually bawling.  I have never been one of those people who can smile when there are in front of graves for a picture..  I just don't feel like there is something to smile about---I know kind of dramatic, but it is how I feel. 

The cemetery they were buried at is so beautiful and they keep the gardens so clean and manicured.  I am so grateful for this.   After leaving the cemetery we drove straight to Portland. It is such a beautiful drive.  When we arrived in Portland we went straight to get Voo Doo doughnuts. I had heard so much about their doughnuts so, I had to give them a try.   They were good, but the reason they are so famous is because of the names of the doughnuts and the way they are decorated.   Apparently, people go to Voo Doo to get married.  And believe it or not, but there was a wedding while we were there.  

 

We arrived at my Aunt Jean's home.  I truly admire and adore my aunt.  For the last decade or more she has been taking care of my Grandma by herself.  She has sacrificed so much of her time and energy to take care of her.  My aunt is 76 and I really feel like she needs more help.  She has never asked for much help or complained, but I feel very neglectful in helping with my grandma.  My aunt cooked us a lovely meal and I felt so bad that she had spent so much time when she should have been relaxing.  I felt bad to add to her stress. 

 

 My friend Ann recently put this on her blog. Like my aunt she has been taking care of her Grandma.  After reading this I feel like this really describes my Aunt perfectly.

 I truly believe that one of the greatest errands for earthly Angels is the care and love of the elderly.  Babies are so easy to love, hold and adore.. but many people scoff at helping older people -- changing them... patiently feeding them, etc.   I know that the Lord sends some of his greatest blessings to those who care for the Elderly so lovingly and caringly."

After spending the day with my Grandma and Aunt we went to the outlet malls to take Kara shopping.  We got there pretty late, and they were about to close, but she got some wonderful deals.  Then we drove to my Aunt Traci's home.  She is my dad's youngest sister.   Traci is super good at taking pictures.  I always forget to get  my picture taken, but she seems to always remember to capture the moment.  Thanks Traci!!!

Traci made us some very yummy food!  They have a treager they cooked biscuits on they were to die for.  Traci also made some of the best eggs I have had, in a long time.  She spoiled us rotten.  She has some of the best sheets I have ever slept on---seriously.  They are doing a roadshow in Utah at Costco. I am totally going to buy them.  They are called Jennifer Adams sheets and I am in love!  My Aunt Jean told my Aunt Traci about them and I am in love!

 After leaving the Portland area, we headed to Boise.  We called up Matt's grandpa to find a time we could meet up with him.  So we met up at the movies.  We went to see Marigold Hotel with Grandpa P.  Aunt Julie and Uncle John the minute we arrived.  It was a very delightful movie.  Afterwards, we all went out to dinner.  I love visiting with John and Julie.  They are such vibrant people.  They aren't afraid to ask questions and to answer question in return.  Thank you John and Julie for letting us crash your activity. Thank you for looking out for Grandpa P and taking such good care of him.  They truly are the sandwiched people, not only are they helping with their father, but their children and Julie watches her grandson every day!!!  WOW--I hope I can have that kind of energy.   Grandpa P. is one amazing man.  He is strong and vibrant and going strong in his 90's.  We sure love him!!!

We stayed at my brother John's home that evening in Boise.  I love visiting with their family. It is so cool that my best friend  married my older brother.  I feel blessed we are in the same family.  Thank you for letting us stay at your home. 

As we were coming home Kara said she felt like she was a little homeless. She said she had been in more homes as a visitor and had slept on so many different beds that she was so glad to be coming home.  I am grateful for the amazing family we have and the great example they are to us.   I am grateful to Matt's parents for raising such a wonderful man.  They are just some of the salt of the earth people.  I am so grateful to have such wonderful family members who are willing to open up their home and to feed us and to act like they enjoy it!!!  I am especially grateful for a beautiful home to come home to, and that my boys took care of it while we were gone.

Kara and I are leaving for Education week for the rest of the week tomorrow. I am so excited to learn and be edified.  It truly is a wonderful life!!! 

Father's Day!!!

You would think I wouldn't get emotional still about Father's day, but I do.  It is a bittersweet day.   I miss my dad.  It has been almost 21 years, but it still hurts.   I think it hurts more because both of my parents are gone.  I have never had an adult relationship with my parents. I know what it could have been which was wonderful.  And because of that I have a  void in my life---the unknown.  The. what if's.  It hurts and makes me sad,  but it makes me so grateful for the Atonement knowing that the Savior made it possible for me to be with my family eternally. 

I am so grateful for my  husband and I am grateful that we have Father's day.  I am grateful that he is my man and that we can be parents together.   I love celebrating Father's day because of him and I am so grateful for the family we have  created together.  We have some pretty darn amazing children, if I do say so myself.   

Our church meetings were wonderful.  We had excellent speakers that allowed the spirit to be even more abundant.  I admire people that speak that are so articulate, as this isn't one of my talents orally or in writing.  I always put my foot in my mouth; it is just a planned part of my life.  If I don't that is cause for a celebration!

During the 3rd hour of the block, during young women's, we invited all of the Father's to come join their daughters.  We did the same kind of thing when it was Mother's day and it was beautiful.  I love hearing the young women share feelings they have about their Father's beautiful.  We have amazing young women and part of the reason is because they have such awesome fathers.   And I loved hearing the Father's bear their testimony; especially my husband's. 

For Father's day I took a picture like my friend Camille does  each year.  Which is just a picture of the Father or mother with all of their children. 

Below are a few of them as well as the children helping me cook the food!  I hope you all had a very Happy Father's day too!!