Death and It's Lessons

 Death is not a word I like to use often. It's physically hard for me to say because it triggers such emotions. For years before I was affected, I could speak it with ease. But now? It bothers me. I guess that comes from having a life and soul that death has touched in ways I don't like. Even typing the word floods my mind with tears and what ifs,  and of course, happy  memories and it  brings a longing to see my mom and dad,  grandparents,  etc, so fierce, it consumes me. All of me.

I have a lot of opinions about death. Everyone does. In the beginning mine weren't nice, fluffy, hopeful opinions. They were  edgy and harsh. They have softened over time, change into something more positive, but they sometimes tend to vacillate. Hopefully, they will go back to being more positive, but then again, maybe they won't.

Losing both my parents at a young age and having only brothers around my age has been challenging.  My brothers  tended to mask their pain and not want to talk about it like a girl would like.  It has been such a lonely feeling.

I have always  thought I had to remain strong and  never appear weak.  I was good at putting my guard up, as a protection and rarely, would take it down.  But sometimes, life gets too hard and your guard/resilience  isn't strong enough to hold you up and you are forced  to be exposed in your weakened state. The ripple effect of death is long and broad and changing and has exposed me recently in a weak, painful state.

  I have had several friends recently deal with a loss of someone close to them, and it brings my strong feelings about death to the surface again.  And because of this  death seems to have brought this topic front and center in my mind again. I'm still in a debate with myself over that being a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe it's a little of both.

In the quiet parts of my heart, I find myself taking inventory of all the beautiful things those that have passed have taught me. So many lessons, it's hard to catalog them all. The greatest gift  though, is the  knowledge that we have a Heavenly Father who sees us with 20/20 vision. Every minute, every day, with detailed precision. He watches over, guides and loves endlessly. The joy that brings really can't be described.

My parents offered me life and this gave me an outside view of the courage it takes to change your life. Quite exquisite gifts. I have a profound gratitude that I was given a chance to be a daughter to my parents. Because they  had a large effect on mine. Life is beautiful when it works that way.

Do you ever stop missing them....

Happy 73rd Birthday to my Dad yesterday.  This day always seems to sneak up on me. As always it makes me think of my dad and how much I miss him.  Does it ever stop?   My brother Matthew's family is in Seattle this week for their Spring Break.  Below is a picture of them bringing flowers to the grave and doing their best to remember him.  Or maybe know him, since none of them have every met him. 

As I have said before, my dad would want me to smile today. To chase away the Sad. To look at his grandkids and let them know they are cherished.  And to know, with unwavering faith, that he is here, no matter the distance.

Today 28 years ago is the day my life forever changed. This is the day that my most favorite person in my world, at that time, died. My life has never been the same again since she passed on.  I miss her so much.  I use to think that in time, this feeling would go away, but it hasn't and probably never will. I miss my mom anytime someone talks about what their mom does for them. I miss her when I wake up and when I go to bed. I miss her as I look at my children and imagine the spectacular Grandma they don't realize they would have had and how involved she would have been in their life.  I miss her at any of the  milestones that happen and I miss her advice and just her silliness.  Kara is the age now, that I was when my mom died. It is hard to believe, because she feels so young, but I was that young!

As I said at another anniversary, On this day mom, I want you to know of my love for you--my gratitude for being your daughter. We all now work to live the kind of lives that will take us to where you are. You set the standard and we are trying to reach it. after you left, I prayed and asked you to wait for me there. Someday I will feel your hugs again and hear your voice. Until then, I will wait. I will think of you and teach my  children all that you taught me. I will wait.....
I love you mom

For you Dad......

21 years. In life, that's a long time.  But, what is it when you have missed someone that long? Lived without them present in your every day? Grief and Sadness are strange things. Time seems to be the only balm to coat it's edges. When you so desperately miss someone, Time feels slow and cruel. There is no walking around it, only through it.

I've come to understand a lot in the last 21 years. Well, as far as Grief goes. In the beginning, it's all consuming. Time seems to slowly gather it in and tuck it away, only to be unleashed in unannounced visits. The heart ache never disappears. I really don't think it's supposed to. Love doesn't  work that way.

For some reason this day is harder for me than his birthday and Father's Day.  This ordinary October  day. The one 21 years ago that slowed my world and forced it onto a different path. One not of my choosing.

 But in the Sad, even within it's darkest depths, there has always been a light. At times, it's been hard to see it. At others, it's so blinding it makes me smile. When you hold Love and Grief together, I guess that's what happens.

My dad would want me to smile today. To chase away the Sad. To look at his grandkids and let them know they are cherished.  And to know, with unwavering faith, that he is here, no matter the distance.

So, for today. I will smile.

And I will remember.

For you.

Visiting my parents grave and Oregon

 It was sad to say good bye to everyone in Washington.  I for one, just hate saying good bye.   After saying good bye to Matt's parents we went to visit  my parents grave.  Sometimes I wonder why I do this as it always makes me cry and miss my parents all the more.  Whenever I go to Seattle I miss my parents more since Seattle is where I have all of my memories with them. So I am already on the verge of tears the whole trip, go figure.   I took a picture of the grave because when people ask me when my dad died I can't always remember the year and now I can remember. 

 Matt always start cleaning around their grave.  It is good because I am usually bawling.  I have never been one of those people who can smile when there are in front of graves for a picture..  I just don't feel like there is something to smile about---I know kind of dramatic, but it is how I feel. 

The cemetery they were buried at is so beautiful and they keep the gardens so clean and manicured.  I am so grateful for this.   After leaving the cemetery we drove straight to Portland. It is such a beautiful drive.  When we arrived in Portland we went straight to get Voo Doo doughnuts. I had heard so much about their doughnuts so, I had to give them a try.   They were good, but the reason they are so famous is because of the names of the doughnuts and the way they are decorated.   Apparently, people go to Voo Doo to get married.  And believe it or not, but there was a wedding while we were there.  

 

We arrived at my Aunt Jean's home.  I truly admire and adore my aunt.  For the last decade or more she has been taking care of my Grandma by herself.  She has sacrificed so much of her time and energy to take care of her.  My aunt is 76 and I really feel like she needs more help.  She has never asked for much help or complained, but I feel very neglectful in helping with my grandma.  My aunt cooked us a lovely meal and I felt so bad that she had spent so much time when she should have been relaxing.  I felt bad to add to her stress. 

 

 My friend Ann recently put this on her blog. Like my aunt she has been taking care of her Grandma.  After reading this I feel like this really describes my Aunt perfectly.

 I truly believe that one of the greatest errands for earthly Angels is the care and love of the elderly.  Babies are so easy to love, hold and adore.. but many people scoff at helping older people -- changing them... patiently feeding them, etc.   I know that the Lord sends some of his greatest blessings to those who care for the Elderly so lovingly and caringly."

After spending the day with my Grandma and Aunt we went to the outlet malls to take Kara shopping.  We got there pretty late, and they were about to close, but she got some wonderful deals.  Then we drove to my Aunt Traci's home.  She is my dad's youngest sister.   Traci is super good at taking pictures.  I always forget to get  my picture taken, but she seems to always remember to capture the moment.  Thanks Traci!!!

Traci made us some very yummy food!  They have a treager they cooked biscuits on they were to die for.  Traci also made some of the best eggs I have had, in a long time.  She spoiled us rotten.  She has some of the best sheets I have ever slept on---seriously.  They are doing a roadshow in Utah at Costco. I am totally going to buy them.  They are called Jennifer Adams sheets and I am in love!  My Aunt Jean told my Aunt Traci about them and I am in love!

 After leaving the Portland area, we headed to Boise.  We called up Matt's grandpa to find a time we could meet up with him.  So we met up at the movies.  We went to see Marigold Hotel with Grandpa P.  Aunt Julie and Uncle John the minute we arrived.  It was a very delightful movie.  Afterwards, we all went out to dinner.  I love visiting with John and Julie.  They are such vibrant people.  They aren't afraid to ask questions and to answer question in return.  Thank you John and Julie for letting us crash your activity. Thank you for looking out for Grandpa P and taking such good care of him.  They truly are the sandwiched people, not only are they helping with their father, but their children and Julie watches her grandson every day!!!  WOW--I hope I can have that kind of energy.   Grandpa P. is one amazing man.  He is strong and vibrant and going strong in his 90's.  We sure love him!!!

We stayed at my brother John's home that evening in Boise.  I love visiting with their family. It is so cool that my best friend  married my older brother.  I feel blessed we are in the same family.  Thank you for letting us stay at your home. 

As we were coming home Kara said she felt like she was a little homeless. She said she had been in more homes as a visitor and had slept on so many different beds that she was so glad to be coming home.  I am grateful for the amazing family we have and the great example they are to us.   I am grateful to Matt's parents for raising such a wonderful man.  They are just some of the salt of the earth people.  I am so grateful to have such wonderful family members who are willing to open up their home and to feed us and to act like they enjoy it!!!  I am especially grateful for a beautiful home to come home to, and that my boys took care of it while we were gone.

Kara and I are leaving for Education week for the rest of the week tomorrow. I am so excited to learn and be edified.  It truly is a wonderful life!!! 

Mom and birthday's

I turned the age my mother never got to become.  For some reason as my birthday has approached I have felt a heavy heart.  It is amazing how grief can be.  The whole time I was 43 it felt like I was kind of holding my breath, wondering if I would die young like my mom. Intellectually, I knew I wouldn't die, but emotionally I felt like I could.  It  just seems unfair to outlive your mom.  It just doesn't feel right. 

Matt wanted to watch the movie Charly this last week.  It really made me tear up and think about my mom.  Generally, I am not an emotional person, but  that movie made me sob.   I know that life isn't fair, but when it comes to my mom and dad dying so young, I wish it was.  I am grateful my 43rd year is over. I already feel the relief.  I want to live the best life possible, to show how grateful I am for the time I have been given. I hope my mom  knows how grateful I am for her.   I am grateful for my life.  I know it can quickly be taken away.

 On this day mom, I want you to know of my love for you--my gratitude for being your daughter. We all now work to live the kind of lives that will take us to where you are. You set the standard and we are trying to reach it. after you left, I prayed and asked you to wait for me there. Someday I will feel your hugs again and hear your voice. Until then, I will wait. I will think of you and teach my  children all that you taught me. I will wait.....
I love you mom

October 19th, the day I outlived my mom

 October 19, 2011,  was the day I lived as long as my mom did when she died. It doesn't seem right or fair that I get to outlive my mom.  My mom was such an amazing person to me and to others that I felt guilty to be able to enjoy morality longer than she.  Being the same age as  my mom was when she died really made her death feel more real.  She was really young, because I certainly feel young and I don't feel like it is time for me to die.  It  must have been so hard to say good bye to her children, her husband, her friends and the life she so enjoyed!

 She also had such a young family at the time of her death.  She was so needed.  So. needed. Her youngest child was only 6 and she still had four children at home and one on a mission.  I feel so needed in my family and yet three of my four children are all adults now. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to have left an even younger family. I can't even imagine not being able to see  my children grow and become a grandma.

So as today happened I was standing in the kitchen working on food for  my family when something I was doing reminded me of my mom.  That's how it always begins, the moment where something in this life triggers something from long ago reminding me of my mom.  A memory ignites and floods my  mind.  Every time, it carries my breath away.  Every time.  I have to force myself to look away and swallow the sorrow.  Today was  no exception.

But today I have decided to be good and focus on the gifts my mom gave me instead of her absence.  I decided to go to temple square and serve with the youth of our ward planting the beautiful gardens there.  And while I worked with the teenagers, at least from my viewpoint, I can see that she is just like those teenagers.  She is serving.  Just not where I can see her.  And because she's there, it makes it the place I long to be.  The place where I will offer my everything to get to.  And that is very, very Good.  I hope you can see the good you have been given too.  Savor it this day!!!! 

Grandma Przybylski passing in Boise, Idaho

Matt's sister Melissa, his niece Samantha and his sister Sharon and Matt right before the start of the funeral.

Pictures from the last couple of weeks!

Colton has been very busy working at cub scout day camp six days a week. He leaves at 6:30 am (we are in a great car pool with a total of six scouts) every morning and gets home around
4:00 pm each afternoon. He likes working with the 8 and 9 year old cub scouts. The only problem is that it has been having thunder storms, but he is such a trooper. The picture above is one of him drenched and how I have found him the afternoons I pick him up and lets not forget the mud too.
Memorial Day Weekend Camping Trip--Kara and Matt posing for a picture. And it was raining a little bit too, but the smores were yummy.
6th Grade Party Celebration Party that was loads of fun! After wards the teacher and students gave us a wonderful program. I have really enjoyed working with Mrs. Robison this year. She was an amazing teacher.
After the program we took pictures. What cute 6th graders!

Matt cooking hot dogs and hamburgers with a grill that didn't want to cooperate.
A funeral/graveside service for my former stake president in my youth President Charles Terry Graff. He had nine children 8 boys and 1 daughter. One of my good friends, J'aime Jones Graff married one of the brothers. I was the same age as one of his children. I love his wife Virginia and they are a remarkable family. What a sad day for his children and wife.
Kara performing at the the School Talent Show singing, "Freckles." She did amazing.
The back drop from the Draper temple Celebration. In the final number the Draper Temple comes out of the Mountain at the very top.
Kara in her costume with other girls from our stake in their costumes. Pretty cool.
At home before we left posing in her costume. Lindsay and Spencer off to the left getting ready to go to her performance too.
A blurry picture of Kara in her student council dance performance at the School Talent Show.
Kara on the last day of school. I think in this picture Kara and Coby kind of look like each other. Coby kind of makes that look too.
These pictures are totally out of order. This is Colton before the Draper Temple Celebration. The youth in the Choir were to wear a black tie, and black pants and wear a long shirt (he had to change, but we didn't have time once he did).
Edgemont Elementary mascot the eagle and Miss Brinton one of our favorite teachers at the school. Pretty fitting for the last day of school.
Colton's birthday cake. He wanted a baseball or soccer ball cake. So here was my best attempt.


All he wanted was money for his birthday and he is planning on saving it for something big and for college. We are glad we have Colton in our family.

24 years ago!

Today marks 24 years since my mom died. It is amazing to me that you can still miss someone so much that died that long ago. So many happy memories. And even though I know that I shouldn't do the what if game, I still sometimes imagine what it would be like to still have her alive and how my life would be different than it is now.

My mom has been the most powerful person in my life and taught me so much. She was such an example to me of being kind, caring, a missionary, always doing good, and brightening others days! She did the simple things each and every day that added up to great things over time. I loved her positive energy and cheerfulness that was so contagious. I feel it was such a blessing to have her the 16 years that I did in my life.

But one thing I do know for sure now is that she still influences my life and impacts it, in ways I feel have truly blessed me. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who still allows my mom to bless me, even from the other side of the veil. I love you Mom!

It has been a different week then planned!!!

The beginning of our ski lesson
Kara's class (she is in the pink and black coat in the back)


(My ski instructor Sid (who is amazing and who has taught since 1968) and a few of my new friends plus three extra people checking out our class.
Colton also enjoying Alta ski resort with his dad!
Minutes from being sick!!!


We have had a very busy week and had a lot of plans until the awful flu virus came to visit at our home and forced us to slow down. Last Tuesday (12-2) in the evening Kara started getting sick. She said she felt better on Thursday morning so we let her go to school, but then after school when I picked her up she was sick and was throwing up again. Then Colton started to come down with it while we were skiing. And then I caught it early Monday morning and I am thinking I will be much better by this evening. After having the flu it really helps you appreciate a functioning body. And it has also got me very behind in so many things!

Tomorrow is our All Adult Enrichment Dinner I have been working on for quite sometime. When our RS president, Alice called me yesterday and found out I was sick throwing up she offered to go and get all of the food (even after I told her I could do it, but secretly I think she didn't want my germs on it.) Then Natalie offered her help in preparing some of the food I was planning to make. And then my friend Crystal called up today and offered her help too. So after that I got brave (seriously it is that hard for me) and called another mom in the car pool and asked her if we could switch days as I usually pick up today. And she was more than happy to switch. One thing I have always struggled with is asking for help. I've always felt like everyone is already so busy that I never wanted to add more to their already busy life and the unseen burdens they carry. It is funny because I love to help people and it gives me a lot of joy. I learned so much from my mom who was such an example to me of Christlike service. Even when she couldn't physically do things for other people she blessed people by her kind words, note, or call.

We were really sad by the passing of Elder Wirthlin. He has always been one of my favorite apostles. I have loved his talks, book, and learned so much from his humble example. One thing is he also served in the same mission years ago where my son Coby is serving. So it has been nice to hear of some of his experiences there. I loved what Elder Nelson said about him at his funeral, "He cared so little about himself, because he cared so much about others."

Spencer is busy with finals and we will be going to pick him up and all of his stuff this weekend. It will be nice to have him going to school in SLC! We have so much to do for Christmas and hope that you are all enjoying this beautiful time of the year!