What has been happening according to my camera

 A lot has been going on.  Way too much for my brain to handle. 

 We took a tour of temple square.  Spencer said he had never actually been on one.  It was really neat and the spirit was so strong.

 Unfortunately Colton had to work.

 We went to lunch at the Lion House Pantry.  I have only been here a few times, but every time I go I love it.

 Spencer's birthday!  For dinner he wanted barbecued ribs.  They need to simmer overnight or longer and then they cook for 10 hours.  Spencer makes it a little bit better than me, but they still tasted yummy.

 It was fun to celebrate with everyone together for his birthday.  Coby came home just to be able  to make it to Spencer's birthday!  When he came home he and Spencer went to the temple.

 Coby left for Istanbul, Turkey on May 9th.  His trip was up in the air for almost a week.   To make a long story short, his place of employment got postponed until later, but he still had his plane ticket.  He couldn't decide what to do.  He had several friends who were supposed to go with him, but they all decided to wait to go to Turkey.  So Coby with such a spirit of adventure, decided to go to Turkey alone.  Honestly, it has scared me  silly.  I have been so worried.  He is on my mind at all times.   He thought one of the guys would end up coming and meeting him there, but he missed his plane.  So now Coby is in a hostel by himself,  certifying to teach English as it is a job in high demand in Turkey.  I feel blessed that he  has been in contact with the branch president there and he is helping him, but I also believe in the buddy system.  As much as Coby won't like this, please feel free to include him in your prayers or put his name on the temple roll.  I would greatly appreciate it.

The day before Mother's day when I came home from an all day YW's activity,  these beautiful flowers were waiting for me from Coby with a very sweet note.  I thought it was so thoughtful of him to think of me for Mother's day! My kids all made me a delicious dinner and showered me with fun gifts.  I truly feel blessed to be the mom to all 4 of my children.

I hope soon I have my act together, because it has not been together for many months now.  I cry all the time and get overwhelmed way too easily.  I had to leave in the middle of sacrament  to come home because I was bawling so bad. I have never done that before at church--EVER.  I tried to be pretty discreet, but apparently I wasn't.

I never like to be the one who is having the hard time. I like to help the person who is having the hard time, so this is very unusual for me.  But, I am not going to deny it, because I try to be real and open.  But I certainly hope that I can stop crying  so much and not feel so overwhelmed.  I think I honestly, went 15 years without really crying in public, so maybe it is good, if I am getting in touch with my feelings.  I do feel more isolated since I started working.  My job requires intense problem solving and troubleshooting, that I feel so drained when I come home that I just want to be a hermit.  Of course, that never happens because I have so much to do to catch up, so I feel so tired constantly.  I get up each morning at 5am, so I am not getting enough sleep either.   I keep thinking after I finish this project, it will be better, but that doesn't happen.  There is always something else and most likely always will be.  Someday, soon I will get my act together!!!   I am just grateful for a patient husband and children.  They have all been so willing to pitch in and help!!! 

Freaking out is highly over rated!

Lately I feel like I am dropping the ball from early morning until late in the night. I wish I could say that this is out of the ordinary, but it isn't.   I am just over scheduled, at least for the limits I feel I can place on myself.  I have realized that what I am capable of doing working full time versus only working part time, is very different.  I think that the reason this has been difficult for me, is I like being able to do it all and  accomplish many things.  It has always been a tremendous self esteem booster to do some much in a given day.

But for some reason the stars all aligned last weekend  to make for a really good freak-out session.  I have so many great intentions, and generally I am able to accomplish them, but not recently.  Lately, I seem to fail miserably.  I feel like my heart is right, and I think I am a good at  prioritizing, but that I am literally kicking and screaming about the new limits I have to place on myself. So  each day I wake up determined to do better and do more, but day after day I seem to not  be measuring up.  I often wondering how Heavenly Father feels about this.  If he is pleased with what I do or realizes I am failing to help those that need it?  I don't want to disappoint him so I try even harder.  But I realize my efforts of trying harder are only  making the problem even worse.

So one day a week and a half ago I woke up at my normal time, 5am to go and exercise, then I get dressed, try to have breakfast and scripture reading,  then race to start some laundry and clean up something. All to leave for work at 7am.  I am thinking if only I could be faster, if only I didn't have to stop for so many red lights. Then I get to work and there is so much that needs to be done, but I don't have the skills to  be able to completely do it all alone.  I try and do my best, but it seems like I make one mistake after another.  Apparently it is to be expected, but I don't want to do what is expected.  I want to do better.   I also don't want some one younger to tell me yet again, what I did wrong.  I want to get it just right.

While at work I don't feel successful, everyone there says I am way to hard on myself, and I know they are right, but being hard on myself has always worked in the past. But, It. Isn't. Now.   I get distracted while I am there and wonder if Kara is home from school yet and wonder how her day was.  So I text her, and I am grateful to hear she is doing well, but I still worry.  I think about how I need to go to the grocery store to get food for our pantry. I worry that I am not spending quality time with my children.  I think about the laundry I haven't done or if my home is messy.  I think about how poorly I did on visiting teaching last month. I think of some of my young women I work with and how I need to plan a great activity.  I think of my sons and hope they are doing well and think about their individual issues. I worry that I am not being a good enough wife. I worry about family members health and feel bad that there isn't much I am doing to help them. I worry about the family reunion I am in charge of  in two months, and I haven't done much to prepare for it.   And this list is only a small portion of some of the things I am worrying about.

 I start thinking way too much and after doing this for close to a month, I finally had a very impressive "freak out."  I freaked  out wondering how I could do it all.  I freaked out about how there is just too much to do. I freaked out about how dumb I feel at work and how it seems I am not doing anything well at all.  All in all I just felt like I am  not measuring up.  I wish I could say that sometime after my freak out tirade, that I came to my senses, but I didn't.  It wasn't until the next day when I (with help from Matt) realized that what really matters is whether or not I show love and compassion to others and that I savor  and find joy in the journey.  I also realize I need to accept my circumstance as they are right now and be kinder to myself.  


After thinking differently about my situation I felt myself calm down.  I felt myself accepting what is. I know I will still struggle with everything I want to do, but I realize I eventually will understand my job fully, and I won't have to get help from co-workers. I will feel a balance and be able to accomplish all that is important and good.  I will find time for the essential things. My "freak-out" helped me ponder things a little differently and helped change my perspective and to focus on feeling more peace and loving more---towards my family, myself and everyone!!!  I don't recommend a "freak out" but I it did help me put things in perspective. 

Above is the picture that we had taken at the Candlelight dinner Colton gave us in February. 

Good things that are happening (I need to remind myself of this):
* Coby is graduating from BYU in less than two weeks--So proud of him!

* Spencer had a fun weekend in Moab.

* Colton has an appointment tomorrow with his guidance counselor to help him figure out the best career for him. He will do a series of tests and then eventually a tutor will be provided  to help him do well in school.

* And as my friend Linda told me yesterday,  Let adult children make mistakes and do their best.  They are adults and they can take care of themselves.

* Kara is singing at BYU in a German Voice Competitition.  She also got asked to sing a solo of the National Athem  in front of her school for an upcoming assemble.

* We found a day that will work with everyone for a family picture!!!

* And Matt got a raise!!!!!  

2 years and 115 days

 
  I climbed in the car last week and realized my daughter will graduate soon.  Actually, in  2 years and 115 days.  She is excited for all the possibilities it brings and I smile right along with her as she shares her dreams. But my heart, oh my heart, is just a little undone.





In my mother's mind, I don't know where to store this reality. The one where she graduates in 2 years and 115 days. Where do I keep this knowledge?

I love numbers.   And as I was thinking about how many days I have been a mother, I realized it was  9,125 days.  So, so, so long, but also so short in the eternal scheme of things. And to think that my last child will be 18 in 754 (Happy almost sweet 16) makes me realize that I need to make sure I use that time well.  Very well, enjoying and soaking in the goodness of being a mom.

Time ticks away so quickly sometimes. Often it's speed has passed me by without my knowing. It's just the way of things, I guess. But here, today, I am determined to Hold. To Look. And See. And fill my heart with all of it. All 2 years and 115 days worth.

What is going on!!!

A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks.   Some annoying stuff---our car getting towed and costing one of our children $230 to be able to get it back.

  Another day having our car not start and after spending a couple hundred it finally started working!!! Hooray!!!!!  Thank you Mindy for driving car pool for me!!

Also,  we are dealing with  children  who are making some tough decisions about what they want to do with their life.

Kara tried out for the play they will be doing at her new high school.  Usually they don't cast very many sophomores so we are crossing our fingers.  They also only cast a small group.  She did her singing audition on Tuesday and she finds out if she is in it this Friday!!! My fingers are crossed!

Coby traveled to Canada recently with his girl friend, her brother, and his girlfriend..  He had a great time.  His girlfriend just turned in her mission papers. It will be fun to see where she goes!!!  She will be an amazing missionary!!!

Right before school started we went to Bear Lake with some friends.  It was so much fun!!!!  Unfortunately my camera was dead so I am relying on my friends for pictures.  But here are a few that I copied.  Thanks Makinzee!! 

 Kara holding Lily!!!  She is such a sweet cute baby. 

 

Me holding Lily.  I started rubbing her head and she was fast asleep.  

 Here is our whole group minus Jen and family.  This is right after we hiked through this cool cave with A LOT of steps.   It was fun. 

 

Hopefully, I will have a  lot more pictures after  I look through all of my friends pictures.  

Kara had her first piano student today. She is going to be an excellent piano teacher.  Right now I believe she has two students, but she is taking more if you know anyone that is interested!!!  

I went out to lunch today with friends from work.  It was fun to catch up with those I haven't seen in the last couple months.  I am starting work later than normal this year due to a whole new core curriculum being started.  I go back to work on September 24th.   I have been grateful for my break as I have been doing this 40 day de-clutter project my friend Camille told me about.   Also, I have been able to walk each morning with my friend Ann!!! It is so beautiful outside right now and it is so fun to talk to Ann!!!

Father's Day!!!

You would think I wouldn't get emotional still about Father's day, but I do.  It is a bittersweet day.   I miss my dad.  It has been almost 21 years, but it still hurts.   I think it hurts more because both of my parents are gone.  I have never had an adult relationship with my parents. I know what it could have been which was wonderful.  And because of that I have a  void in my life---the unknown.  The. what if's.  It hurts and makes me sad,  but it makes me so grateful for the Atonement knowing that the Savior made it possible for me to be with my family eternally. 

I am so grateful for my  husband and I am grateful that we have Father's day.  I am grateful that he is my man and that we can be parents together.   I love celebrating Father's day because of him and I am so grateful for the family we have  created together.  We have some pretty darn amazing children, if I do say so myself.   

Our church meetings were wonderful.  We had excellent speakers that allowed the spirit to be even more abundant.  I admire people that speak that are so articulate, as this isn't one of my talents orally or in writing.  I always put my foot in my mouth; it is just a planned part of my life.  If I don't that is cause for a celebration!

During the 3rd hour of the block, during young women's, we invited all of the Father's to come join their daughters.  We did the same kind of thing when it was Mother's day and it was beautiful.  I love hearing the young women share feelings they have about their Father's beautiful.  We have amazing young women and part of the reason is because they have such awesome fathers.   And I loved hearing the Father's bear their testimony; especially my husband's. 

For Father's day I took a picture like my friend Camille does  each year.  Which is just a picture of the Father or mother with all of their children. 

Below are a few of them as well as the children helping me cook the food!  I hope you all had a very Happy Father's day too!!

Bachelor party, company, and FUN!

We had a fun,  busy weekend.   Coby had a bachelor's party for his friend Dan Jones.  He is getting married this Friday. He is such a fine young man and it has been great to have him at our home for the last ten or more years!

My niece Jessica and her husband John spent the night this weekend too.  They were on there way to Vernal, Utah following their honeymoon.  It was nice to be able to visit with them.  They are such an adorable couple!

Our family went and saw the movie Battleship.  It is definitely Matt's kind of movie.  I liked it more than I thought I would. 


Colton started his first day of work.  And he LOVED it.   He is feeling so much better after getting his wisdom teeth out.  I am so happy that is done and over with. 

I gave a lesson for the Beehives.  I have the cutest girls ever.    My lesson was on Supporting Family Members and I learned a thing or two.  I love getting hand outs on Sugardoodle.  It makes being creative so EASY!!!!


Kara has only 3 more days of school.  I will no longer have anymore kids in middle school.  It is hard to believe!   I am excited for the summer.  I love having more lazy days and spending time with my kids.  We have a lot of fun things planned too. 

We had a barbecue Monday night.  Both my brothers families were out of town so it was just our family.  Coby and Colleen came over.  It was so fun to get to know Colleen better.  She is such a fun, cute girl.   We had a good time visiting with them.  

 

 

 

 

Spencer has almost been in Fiji for a month now and he is loving it.   He has been building a well, and teaching literacy to children in need there.  It has been great hearing about his experiences there.

Happy Mother's Day to all my fabulous family and friends.  I  hope you all have an amazing day. There isn't anything I have ever done, or will ever do, that will compare to the joy I receive from being a mother! I thank my Heavenly Father every day for blessing me with this sacred responsibility. I am the person I am today because of my beautiful children. Wherever they end up in this world, they will always hold a special part of my heart no matter what!!!

Thank you to all of the Mother's who have mothered me!  I am grateful for you and your influence. 

"Recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction.
Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: 'The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.'
--M. Russell Ballard

 Elder Neal A. Maxwell so eloquently said: “When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this” (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, The Women of God, Ensign (CR), May 1978, p.10).