Death and It's Lessons

 Death is not a word I like to use often. It's physically hard for me to say because it triggers such emotions. For years before I was affected, I could speak it with ease. But now? It bothers me. I guess that comes from having a life and soul that death has touched in ways I don't like. Even typing the word floods my mind with tears and what ifs,  and of course, happy  memories and it  brings a longing to see my mom and dad,  grandparents,  etc, so fierce, it consumes me. All of me.

I have a lot of opinions about death. Everyone does. In the beginning mine weren't nice, fluffy, hopeful opinions. They were  edgy and harsh. They have softened over time, change into something more positive, but they sometimes tend to vacillate. Hopefully, they will go back to being more positive, but then again, maybe they won't.

Losing both my parents at a young age and having only brothers around my age has been challenging.  My brothers  tended to mask their pain and not want to talk about it like a girl would like.  It has been such a lonely feeling.

I have always  thought I had to remain strong and  never appear weak.  I was good at putting my guard up, as a protection and rarely, would take it down.  But sometimes, life gets too hard and your guard/resilience  isn't strong enough to hold you up and you are forced  to be exposed in your weakened state. The ripple effect of death is long and broad and changing and has exposed me recently in a weak, painful state.

  I have had several friends recently deal with a loss of someone close to them, and it brings my strong feelings about death to the surface again.  And because of this  death seems to have brought this topic front and center in my mind again. I'm still in a debate with myself over that being a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe it's a little of both.

In the quiet parts of my heart, I find myself taking inventory of all the beautiful things those that have passed have taught me. So many lessons, it's hard to catalog them all. The greatest gift  though, is the  knowledge that we have a Heavenly Father who sees us with 20/20 vision. Every minute, every day, with detailed precision. He watches over, guides and loves endlessly. The joy that brings really can't be described.

My parents offered me life and this gave me an outside view of the courage it takes to change your life. Quite exquisite gifts. I have a profound gratitude that I was given a chance to be a daughter to my parents. Because they  had a large effect on mine. Life is beautiful when it works that way.