Family Systems

When I was in a senior in  college one of the books I needed to read for a class was The Family Crucible.  This book has stuck with me and changed the way I think about families.  It helped me understand  myself, my family of origin,  my husband and my children much better. The reason this book has been on my mind is because, as my children become adults the concepts in this book, seem to come to light even more. In this book they reference an open family system, versus a closed family system.  Both systems are healthy, but very different. 




After I got married I learned that my husband and I saw many things very differently.  Growing up, I lived in a very open system.  I felt like I could talk to my parents about anything.  I felt I could ask my mom, particularly any question and get it answered. One of my favorite traditions as a kid was to all hang/lay out on my parents bed, morning, afternoon and evening.  We would all talk and laugh together.  I felt very bonded.   Open families can have problems  sometimes because they are too open.   And of course, you can have some open family members and closed family members in the same family.
 
Closed family systems run equally as well.  They are just very different.  They are more uniformity, and control keeps people together. Togetherness is all-important. They often don't always share their inner feelings and often when someone is mad/irritated at you, you don't even know why for sure. They often have more rules, both spoken and unspoken, so desired behavior is clear.

In my family I have two children who are very open,  one who is more of a closed person and another who is equally both.   My husband is a more closed person, but also has some open behaviors.

Just because someone is raised in a more open family doesn't mean they will be super open with everyone.  Yes, they will be more open, but not always. Understanding a closed person versus an open person has helped me understand myself and my relationship with people better.  I have learned that there are many questions that you don't ask a closed person. And I have learned just because someone doesn't seem interested in me/my life, doesn't mean they don't care about you.

It has been interesting for my husband and I to find an equal ground.  He really doesn't care for  my families tradition of having the master bedroom an open space.  He feels like it should be our private space. We both have compromised and we generally don't typically have everyone gather in our room.  He has compromised and allowed a lot more open communication throughout our family, than he is always comfortable with.      

Now that three of my children are adults, it has been interesting to hear my children's opinion over things.  Some things they tell me weren't always what I want to hear, but because I am more open  they feel very comfortable sharing their thoughts. 

 For example, one of my adult children told me we never really taught him about money.  We really tried, but we didn't have the family discussion like I had, which involved budgeting my dad's paycheck because Matt doesn't feel comfortable sharing that kind of information,  but we could have done it in other ways. Another child has asked me to not get too excited/happy when "the special friend" comes over, because this person is a more closed person.  It is times like this that I think being a closed person wouldn't be so bad.  Either way, both family have many strengths and weakness.

 I am grateful that I belong to a family and that I have open relationships with my children.   I love being a mom and I am grateful each and every day that I learn so much from my husband, children and all my family members.